feels good to be here.

December 12 at 9am.

Here I am, age 26, almost to the end of the grad school journey.  I’d like to say it’s been a long and arduous journey but honestly, it’s been a blur.  Yeah, I’ve done lots of paper-writing and presenting and all that, but with working at the same time it’s been hard to cement it all into my memory.

But that doesn’t change the fact that come December 12 at 9am, I will have my Master’s degree in Library and Information Science or Studies or whatever the trend is now.

Four and a half years ago, I became a first-generation college graduate.  December 12 at 9am, I will become a first-generation grad school graduate.  To say it feels surreal is putting it lightly.

When I was in college and my dad died, I was fortunate enough for the situation not to derail my education.  I took a week off, then went back to school — to my studies, to living on-campus, to “typical” college life.  It helped me find something I could channel my emotions into, though in some ways it stunted my grieving process.

(But is that ever over??)

When I first began my college journey, I felt I had to do well “to make Dad proud.”  But somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking about it in that way.  I didn’t even consider him in the same thought process as my good grades and good schoolwork.

Slowly, I realized I was becoming proud of myself.

Like RuPaul said in the third season of Drag Race, “it would be great for your father to be proud of you, but the truth it’s about you being proud of yourself.”  In the swirl of early- to now mid-twenties, I’ve come away with that lesson’s impact the most of all.

Do I appreciate the sentiment of others being proud of me?  Sure, I do.  It means so much to have the support I have over the years.  I’ve gotten lucky that my family has been behind me 100% of the way and has helped us countless times.

I appreciate it, but at the end of the day, it’s about you being proud of yourself.

And I am so, so proud of myself.

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6 thoughts on “feels good to be here.

  1. i am so happy for you. i know things haven’t been ideal for you, especially since you lost your dad, and i am so sorry about your epilepsy, but look how far you’ve come. i’m just really happy for you.

    as you probably know, i broke up with david in august. part of the reason was because of his real lack of effort in helping formulate a financial plan and find a place to live, and figure out how, while we’re both still in school, we are going to make it. he let me shoulder every single bit of that, and did nothing to help plan the wedding or our future. that opened my eyes to some things, and here we are, but today i was thinking, “my dad would not have wanted me to be with someone like that,” so i think somewhere, wherever he may or may not be, he is happy for me, and i know your dad is too–for making the hard decisions, for adding to inevitable student loan debt in order to become something you love, for going to ireland not knowing what it would be like. i think you’re on such a good road, and i am so glad you’re proud of yourself, too.

    • I can’t believe you would make me cry like this! haha. you’re such an inspiration to me, you’ve also been through so much and are still going. even if it feels like you’re getting held up from your journey and it definitely sucks, you’re proving just how resilient you are! and thank you, it’s been such a long path it feels like; since i was 18 it just feels like i haven’t had time to breathe, i guess in a way. psp did a lot to my nerves and stress and actually i’ve been diagnosed with ptsd from it (lol…) so i’m just glad to be out of that pit of self-loathing etc.

      i’m sorry about the breakup. y’all seemed happy, but i know seeming and being are two different things. at least you got to know that about him before you got married and it became a real issue that’s harder to get away from. i can’t imagine how much it must’ve hurt, but i’m so glad you’re doing the right thing for YOU. you can’t go it alone and nobody should expect you to shoulder all that responsibility. i love that you thought of that with your dad. i had that moment with joseph too (even though it was just a mutual “we need to grow and venture out” thing) – i realized my dad never would’ve wanted me to stay in a relationship that made me feel tired, worn-out, and self-doubting all the time.

      thinking and planning for the future are way too important for somebody to hold you back from it. i hope the road continues and i hope yours looks up soon! i know you’ll be able to handle it strongly as you have. one day i’ll come meet you for lunch at gyro’s and we’ll have to catch up fo realz.

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