A lot has been floating through my mind lately. From seizures to medical procedures to just…a lot of weird stuff, it’s been a rough past year – but I’ve learned so much about myself already. That I’m capable of becoming what I want, that I can chase and catch up to my dreams, and that putting positivity out in the universe means it will come back around to you.
My therapist said he can tell I’m so much more confident than I used to be. I’m finally getting used to my body and loving that despite all my medical flaws, but I’m finally here. Years of dysphoria from ballet have lessened, and I have a very healthy attitude of “This is me and I’m not apologizing for it anymore.”
The last 4-5 months have been a roller coaster. Someone I never expected to come along did despite my strong desire to stay single/not even get into the dating scene. Ever since, I’ve been on a roller coaster that seems like it never ends with him. I’m about to rent a house, and getting utilities established in my name is a daunting task. I’ve been through so much back-and-forth this week that I’m exhausted. I need a nap daily. But what gets me through is that the house is one I’ll be proud of, one I’m ready to come home to and to be happy, to be relaxed. I’ll even have a craft room.
Speaking of crafts, I’m starting up my home crafting business again soon. For a while back in 2009-2010, I created and sold crocheted goods at Kami-con (back then, held in Tuscaloosa). I undercharged by a lot, according to the calculator websites I’ve been using, but it was a good learning experience. When the festival up in Steele, AL – Cukorakko – starts, we’re hoping to rent out a booth or table to sell stuff. Anything to help with rent and still being able to live life. I love handcrafted goods. Everything is unique, and everything has a piece of the maker’s heart in it. (That’s why it’s so easy to want to keep things…) I’m also getting back into painting.
So many times I’ve thought, “am I ready for this?” And the answer is: of course. I’m 27. I am grateful for my mother letting me stay in our house as long as I needed, but it’s time. To walk into the living (ha) room and see the spot where my father died and his mother before him is painful. In the back of my mind, I can never separate that from the way the room is now. His final expression still haunts me.
He would be thrilled for me, for my future. When I think about how he would have thought about my life path, I feel nothing but warmth. His high school graduation card to me read something to the effect of, “keep being just the way you are and you’ll be able to accomplish anything in life.”
I’m not perfect by any means, but I have drive. I have ambition and a tender heart and a pretty good sense of humor (unless I’m in a bad mood).
Every day I’m working on blooming from within. I can only see myself blossoming more from here. With every test life throws my way, I learn something new about myself. And there’s nowhere to go but up.